Wheel of Misfortune 2

 Wheel of Misfortune 2

After having strong feelings for someone can we still be friends with them ???? This question doesn't have a preferred answer till now. Any genius who has succeeded in his/her love life won't be able to answer this. For me, it was always about spending time with Sherry, so it didn't matter to me if I am being friend-zoned. From September onwards we have stopped talking. We used to speak rarely and to be precise it used to be once in a whole month. I was hopeful and still was giving efforts whenever we spoke. I don't know whether she liked me or not, but she used to listen patiently. I must admit that she is the only girl I have seen in my 30 years who is a good listener and a good listener always need another good listener for sharing their emotions. I wanted to be that person but I know she won't tell anything rather she will keep all her emotions within herself. I wanted to meet her desperately for one last time. I knew the chances of me getting her in my life is as minimal as someone can ever think, but the only thing which kept me going was hope. A four-letter word will have so much impact on my life I never knew.  I know if I tell this now, you all might feel that I am faking it and it will seem to be cliche but I miss her all the time. Maybe this syndrome is nothing but one-sided lover's syndrome.  Mid-November I couldn't stop myself calling her and we spoke for an hour. I requested her to spend one new year with me. I had this belief that if you spend your new year with positivity then the whole year will go in the same way. Yes, go ahead and judge me for this belief. I know it's kind of naive to have this kind of belief but half of the world has the same belief.

Me - Sherry, Can we meet on 31st December night and celebrate the New year for one last time.

Sherry- I will try Watson !!!  I am not sure though but  I will surely be coming to Bangalore this December.

Me - Just let me know your plans I will join you there.

Sherry- I am traveling this December 4th and will be there for a week.

Me - Can't you extend your stay??? ( I was being hopeful for one more time)

Sherry - Will surely try Watson.

I was so happy that finally, I was going to meet her after 1year and 6 months. I had booked my tickets for Bangalore on December 20th but I rescheduled it to the earliest possible i.e December 13 just to spend some more time with her. As I said, we used to chat/talk very rarely so post this call we didn't speak. I came to know that she used to like one sweet called "Chenna Poda"  which is specifically made in Odisha. I ordered the best Chenna Poda in the city that day, got it properly packed. I reached Bangalore on December 13th and went directly to her hostel so that I can get a glimpse of her. I called one of her friends to come down and collect the sweet. Her friend came down to collect the same but she wasn't there. I was very much surprised and annoyed at the same time that despite knowing that I am there for her, she didn't turn up. My eyes were constantly looking towards her balcony so that I can get a glimpse of her, but unfortunately, she didn't come. I felt so bad that I left.  The same night I got a "thanks" message from her, but I was so pissed off that I didn't revert. 3 days went still we didn't speak to each other. My ego had clashed and I was losing.  After 4th day, I saw she has removed her Whatsapp DP. Most of the people who are upset, generally remove their Whatsapp DP. Therefore, I was curious about what has happened to her. My inquisitive mind, couldn't able to take it more and I pinged her.

Me - You okay, Sherry ???

Sherry - Yes, I am.

Me - Are you sure ???

Sherry - Yeah !!!!

Me - Cool ,then.

Sherry - How is everything going ??

I couldn't control my emotions. I called her.

Me - Do you have any idea how is everything going ??? ( I wasn't rude, I was polite)

Sherry - Why? what happened??

Me - Do you have any idea I came to Bangalore only to see you and it's been a week we haven't met.

Sherry - Have you told me that you are coming to Bangalore?  You had time to tell it to my roommate but do not have time to tell this to me.

Me-  We hardly speak. This is how things are going for since long. I waited for 30 mins near your hostel when I brought those sweets so that I can see you.

Sherry - I felt very bad when I came to know from my roommate about your travel plans. I expected that I will be the first person to know this.

So this ego trip has ruined my 7 days.

Me - Can we meet tomorrow ???

Sherry - Sure, I Will give you a call once I complete my office work.

Finally, I was excited, and believe me, that day I slept properly.  Let me give you a brief idea about my sleep clock. I am a night owl. Most of the time I used to sleep late in the night but on some days if I sleep early, I will wake up exactly between 2 am-3 am just to check whether Sherry has messaged. She always used to message me late at night and this is how my sleep clock has turned since the last 6-7 months.

Finally, the day has arrived and I was supposed to meet her. I was not in the best of my shape. I never groomed myself just to impress someone. That day I thought I should give it a try. The objective of grooming was also something else, I had an official meeting lined up on the same day. I went to one of the decent parlors and you know what that barber ruined everything. I was looking like a swollen egg.

Anyway, I can't undo these things, so I prayed and went to meet her.

I was waiting near her PG and there she came.

Let me hold my breath now, as I have to describe the person whom I was dying to see.

She hasn't changed a bit. I was completely smitten. Same fragrance, those beautiful eyes. The only thing she had changed is her hairstyle. Now she was having curls and those god damn curls with a pony, looking flawless. I am running out of adjectives now to describe her, but touchwood she was looking unimpeachable.

I started fumbling and stammering while I was talking to her.

I took her to a nearby cafe which was recently opened and the coincidence was there was no one to disturb us. I looked at her, took a long breath. I could see there was a bit trace of dark circles but it wasn't affecting her beauty and grace anyway. For the first time, I got envious of the person marrying her. Lucky chap he is. I was on cloud nine. I was just praying for someone to please pause the time and play those Prateek Kuhad's indie songs. This is the moment I was craving. I wanted to hold those beautiful hands of her. I had made up my mind that I won't do any kind of emotional investment this time, rather will give her a reason to smile. I was telling her all the random stories about me so that she forgets every grief and have a reason to smile. She told me she hasn't slept properly for the last 6 months. I was taken aback but I knew that somehow by looking at those dark circle traces. I felt those 2 hours got completed in 5 minutes. I dropped her home and believe me I was the happiest person.

Next evening I asked her to join me for a plate of Momos and she came.

Sherry - Watson, this shirt looks nice on you.

Me -  I just smiled.

We spent some 30 odd minutes while having an evening walk. This is what I had dreamt of. I had written the same in my poems which I had dedicated to her. I was living my life.

Me - Can we meet like this every day??

Sherry- Every day !!!! My roommates will feel bad Watson, my marriage is being fixed and I am spending time with a person who loves me.

Me - Okay. I can understand.

I can't expect more from her. She has done everything possible from her end.

Meanwhile, her roommates and I had planned for a weekend house party as it was Christmas eve.

I was again excited about the house party. I had ordered the best Biryani, scotch, and other delicacies so that she will have the best of time. The weekend has arrived and there was no message from her. I was waiting. Meanwhile, I got the news about a terrible mishap from her friend. Her ex-roommate expired. She was murdered by her in-laws. I knew that Sherry was close to her ex-roommate as Sherry's most recent tagged picture in her Facebook timeline is her ex-roommate having some good time with Sherry and others.

I knew it was a hard time for her, so I didn't disturb her at all for the next 2 days. I canceled my orders for the weekend party. After 3 days I pinged her just to check whether she was okay or not.

Me - You okay Sherry?

Sherry - I am okay Watson, but still can't come over this. Just now came to the hostel after 3 days. I was feeling awkward and weird as we shared the same room.

Me - Be strong. I completely understand what you were going through.

That night she didn't sleep. She got damn scared and it was natural. She pinged me at somewhat at 3 am. I knew she was not okay. I called her and consoled her for 10-15 mins. That night I didn't sleep, I was in SOS mode. I told her if you need any help, feel free to reach me.  The whole night I kept staring at the mobile so that I don't miss any notifications. I could do this all day to make her feel safe. Isn't it obvious that you tend to break your threshold when your loved ones need your support? I wasn't doing anything special, it was just obvious.

Expectations are something that can give you contrasting emotions. I started expecting a lot from her. I had regretted it earlier, but still, I was doing the same mistake by expecting a little more from her. I asked her out for a coffee that evening. She was busy packing her stuff as she was leaving Bangalore forever. I waited, but no call or message from her side. Midnight she messaged.

Sherry - Watson, I had too many things to pack. Just now I finished.

Me - ( Smirked) Okay no problem.

Sherry - Can we meet tomorrow?

Even though I was upset and disheartened, I said yes.

I had purchased a configured gift for her as her birthday was later that month. It was a pretty cool black box and her name engraved on it. I had taken snippets of all her WhatsApp DP and kept them inside that box with chocolates and a lot more stuff. It was a damn cool thing to be gifted. I am so engrossed in her that I wanted her to feel special every moment she spends with me.

I called her to meet for only 10 minutes so that I can gift her that box.

She came down and the first thing she told me was

" Watson, don't make me feel emotional"

It took me some seconds to gasp. In my mind, I thought I always wanted to make you smile dear. My intentions were never to make you emotional or sad.

Me - Have you ever hit a guy?? or became violent when things are not done in the way you like.

Sherry- No!!!! Never. But why are you asking this weird question?

Me - Then I am safe. If I gift you something you won't hit me.

Sherry - No Watson, I won't take any gift.

I showed her that gift, she was stunned. Didn't utter a single word for a minute. I knew she liked it but she didn't utter a single word.

We went out for tea and she told me how much she liked it. I was surely having a good time but I knew probably this is the last time I was having tea with her. She was traveling to her home town on 31st Dec as she was having some exams to give. My wheel of misfortune continued and I can't celebrate the New year with her.  I couldn't sleep that night, I knew I was meeting her for the last time. When you know something you will miss for your entire life you surely won't have any sleep. Her flight was in the evening. I asked her " Can I drop you at the airport??" and she said Yes.

I knew that this was the last 45 minutes that I had to spend with her. I could have utilized it by asking her to at least try once for our future but no. I had made up my mind that I will make her smile till the last moment. I spoke all the random stories which could make her laugh. I tried, but it wasn't coming naturally as I was crying beneath. Meanwhile, when we were having random gossips I told her that I never got the same vibe when I see any other pretty girls which I got after seeing you. Yes, I never had that same kind of feeling for anyone else. She was just special to me from day one. After listening to this she replied, "Hope you get someone who gives you the same vibe as me". That pierced my heart but I didn't react at all. Some things are just irreplaceable, I know time heals everything but she is just irreplaceable for me. She was correct from her side. You all might be thinking she is stone-hearted and all, but no, she isn't. Circumstances are not favoring us. She has no scope to try or pray. She stopped having faith in god. She has become agnostic. I could see a small Sai Baba photo in her purse but I know all her prayers are not being answered so she doesn't have anything to ask for. 

We arrived at the airport. Last 2 minutes that I had to spend with her. Trust me my tears are rolling down when I am writing this. I had to control my emotions, in no way I had to show her that I am fragile and never wanted to make her feel emotional. I wanted to hug her for the last time but we shook hands and left. I waited there till the moment she entered the airport.

8 years old memory popped up. We were batchmates in Hyderabad. The day she was leaving for the home town from Hyderabad. I was standing outside her PG and just seeing her leaving. I was so introverted that I didn't approach her just saw her leaving. 8 years gone I was doing the same. 

Before she left she asked me please don't ghost me. We can remain friends. I saw her innocence out there and said yes. I couldn't say no to her.

But now it's high time that I move away from her life. Some things are not meant for you. Even if you try hard to get them it's just that the destiny won't work. High time for me to be an atheist. This is the only thing I was so much craving for, prayed for. I am in such a cumbersome position where I can't unlove a person who mattered to me a lot or can love her harder so that she melts. I just have to leave everything and move on. She won't be knowing that I have vapourised from her life. No messages, no calls nothing. For the first time in 8 years, I won't be wishing her on her birthday. I wish she gets everything she deserves. Someone who can make her feel special all the time. She deserves every happiness.  I pray her would be should love her more than me. 

Let's see till when my wheel of misfortune will continue.

Probably last time you see Watson write. Probably, Nah definitely the last time .

Difficult journey but still worth it. Journey from "Enniki ninnoku kuttokudam agarahamund ( I want to make friendship with you Sherry, yes this is what I said when I met her first) to Goodbye Sherry. 

Signing off

Watson.